What Did the Dog Say to the Suicidal Chicken?
What did the dog say to the suicidal chicken about to jump?
(Highlight the block below for the answer)
For cluck sake, get off the damn woof!
Panda Poem
One day there was a little panda called charles
Who had some drinks in a cocktail bar.
He drank a lot, at least 10 shots,
Then later he shmoked a lovely bag of pot.
He got so stoned from all the shmoking
So he ate a few burgers and then started choking.
He coughed up beef, and ate more meat,
Then went home and fell asleep.
Charles got scared from almost dying
So he flew to China but couldn’t stop crying.
He had a poo, as Pandas do,
But shat in the isle cos he couldn’t find the loo.
Charles the Panda was so upset
So he pulled out a lovely marijuana cigarette.
He lit that joint, he shmoked all night,
Then woke up and had another smelly brown shite.
Charles was pissed, he was oh so pissed
That he ended up having a filthy dirty piss.
He wet the rug, the shit soaked rug,
A suicidal panda on a smelly shit rug!
“FUCK MY LIFE” he screamed with fright
He sent a message on texts from last night.
He explained his pickle, his suicidal pickle
But people replied “Just kill yourself with a Sickle!”
He decided his life should come to an end
He can’t handle the shitting and pissing again.
So he purchased a knife, and ended his life
And ended up pissing and shitting all night.
The Adventures of Troggles the Hamster Dragon – Episode 2: The Marijuwater Incident
It was a breezy evening on the Continent of Cheese. Only a few short hours ago Troggles had defeated the tower of cheese shaped like a penis, and got laid. He was in high spirits, that ‘ol hamster of love.
Troggles was continuing his adventure down ‘Ol Cheesecake Road, entering the Forest of Fromage. Some creatures call it the Forest of Cheese, but I’m not sure why. It’s clearly fromage!
Shortly after entering into the Forest of Fromage, Troggles started getting tummy pains. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was that entire fucking cheesecake tower shaped like a penis he ate.. or maybe it was all the vaginal juice he swallowed while performing oral sex on the princess. Who knows! Either way he needed some water, fast! Luck seemed to be on Troggles’ side tonight, as he quickly stumbled across a small pond. As quickly as he found the pond he rushed over and drank from it. He was parched, from all the sex of course! 3 paw-fulls of water later Troggles felt really really weird. He started feeling light headed, and high. Like a kite! Oh noes… Troggles drank some marijuwater! He was really fucked now. Wait, no he wasn’t! He felt better than ever. Like butter, on a big ‘ol pile of flapjacks! He started dancing and spinning, and soon he noticed a damsel in distress. He went over to her and asked why she was so distressed.
“Why are you so distressed Miss Damsel in Distress?” He asked.
“It’s this dress!” She said to Troggles, “It needs to come off! This dress is distressing me!”
Troggles need not think, for he knew exactly what to do! He paw-clawed that dress right off your wan, and rode her in every orifice! You name it, he rode it! Before you knew it she was covered head to toe in a certain type of hamster cheese (you know what I mean…. and unfortunately you do). They cuddled, the way a hamster and a damsel would cuddle, and talked about their feelings for a while. Troggles then slowly began drifting off, feeling warm and fuzzy inside.
Troggles awoke the following morning near a tree covered in… is that… hamster cheese? Oh god! Troggles you didn’t! You fucked a fucking tree didn’t you!?? For shame Mr Troggles, for shame! Don’t drink marijuwater ever again, you hear me! And where the fuck is your pants?? Fuck sake!
Yes, Troggles had fucked a fromage tree, and as a result, made it extra cheesy. He didn’t know where his pants where either. This was a depressing moment for Troggles, but he still counts it as getting laid twice in one day. For he is Troggles, and he is wise!
Troggles got up, stood tall, accepted he fucked a tree, and moved on with life. He left the Forest of Fromage and headed for the Mountains of Fondu, with the sun rising in the distance…
I like… Toast
I do! Toast is totally awesome, and extremely underrated!
When I wake in the morning and get out of bed, I don’t do it to spend the day doing stuff like playing games or skating. I do it for the toast! You know: The stuff that matters most in the world! It’s my favourite choice of breakfast 
Toast comes in many forms: White bread, brown bread, round bread, square bread. And the choice and combinations of toppings is practically endless! Butter, jam, marmalade, chocolate spread, beans, bacon, sausages, ketchup etc etc.
The toast assembly line in my kitchen starts off in the bread pan. I open the pan and reach for Brenons Bread (todays bread, today!). I usually get 2 slices, but if there’s a heel present I just can’t help myself. The heel joins the 2 breaddy soldiers and march their way into the toaster where their service shall be welcomed. The toaster is set to 3 o’clock on the dial (about 2 numbers before that BURNED setting (which, btw, is such a ridiculous setting!! Who wants to burn their precious toast!!???))
Anyways, in about 2 minutes my toast is ready to be put through the post-production process. This phase is the most important. I choose to lather my toast in butter (usually utterly butterly, but I’m not picky. Whatever is in the fridge will do just fine). Every corner must be lathered! No corner shall go lathered-less!! Stop saying lather! SMEARED.
The next topping is either jam or marmalade, depending on my mood. If I’m happy, I’ll go nuts with jam. Jam jam jam. If i’m feeling a little down I’ll put some marmalade on those bad boys. Marmalade is less masculine than jam, but nevertheless possesses a nice flavor for those iffy spots in life. Please note, however, that marmalade should be used appropriately and WITH CAUTION. Don’t use too much, you could turn gay!
Sometimes I might just spread butter on my toast and eat it as it is. This type of toast is called “boring toast”. It’s appropriate for tea-dipping and when you’re feeling sick. Regardless of what form of toast I eat, I will almost always have a cup of tea by my side to complete my toast eating feast. But remember: NO SUGAR!!
That’s my opinion of toast anyways. It’s a life changer, a hunger curer; a world peace device if-you-will. Toast should only be used for good, never for evil. What kind of toast do you eat?
A Little Poem To Pass The Time
There was one little ducky, he said “quack quack”
And with the “quack quack” he got a *smack smack smack*
2 days go, a lot of red snow
A bunch of falling feathers and a “let me go”
He screamed for help, he screamed for pie
He screamed all night “please don’t let me die”
He forgot to eat, he forgot to sleep
He waddled up and down with a red trail from his feet
He never understood why humans were so cruel
With foods like “stuffed turkey”, “fresh pork” and “duck stew”
But as time went on the duck grew strong
Strengthened by pain and fear for so long
He broke free from his cage and waddled with joy
Until he got run over by a truck passing by
~fin
Summer Plans
So summer is upon us, and has been for a month. But today is June 1st 2009, and today is the day that summer starts for me. I’ve been spending the last week relaxing after my college exams (which went well I think). But I didn’t want to sit on my ass all summer, so I compiled a list of things to do and goals to achieve over the next 3 months, and I’ve come up with this:
Personal / Health
- Eat more / Eat healthier
- Exercise Daily
- Take tablets properly (don’t skip a dose JUST because I don’t wanna get out of bed)
- Take better care of my teeth (ie, brush them more often)
Projects
- Make some silly videos with Conor and Patrick
- Make some flash animations
- Finish making this site blog thingy
- Learn Objective-C / Make an iPhone application (this one is very ambitious goal)
- Finish writing and recording my acoustic songs
Misc / Fun
- Play a fuck load of Xbox (and finish Resident Evil 4 while I’m at it!)
- Learn how to play “Your Hands In Mine” by Explosions In The Sky
- Watch every episode of LOST again
- Watch a bunch of movies (I’ll cover these in another post)
- Watch the last season of a certain show that I won’t mention here
- Go on many random adventures
- Write more episodes of “Troggles The Hamster Dragon” (maybe even make a flash animation of it)
- Say the phrase “Can I have a ____ my good sir” when ordering alcoholic beverages from a guy bartender
- Move into my own room!
This is the current draft of my summer plans. I’m sure it will expand over time. I’ll keep it up to date, and cross things off when they are complete.
Troggles The Hamster Dragon Concept Art
Here’s some sketches of Troggles the Hamster Dragon. I drew them today while defecating on the jacks, so I didn’t really have time to express myself! Having said that, I think my drawings do Troggles a world of justice. I mean.. look at him!
The first one (top) was my first attempt. They’re all pretty much modeled after this lil guy btw. Anyways, his wing-mass was definitely nowhere near the size of a jumbo jet! And there’s not a single mustache to be seen! He is, however, smoking a spliff..
The next few drawings were attempts to get his proportions correct, and the right-most one looks an awful lot like a kitteh! Then we come to the bottom fellow…
This my friend, is Troggles, the motherfucking Hamster Dragon… and THEN SOME! Look at him!! He’s a beefy mofo (look at those biceps!), with a wing-mass of “at least a million feet” as I’ve put it. He’s even got an ammo belt! I think I’ve out done myself for any drawing I’ve ever done, EVER!.. Toilet or no toilet! Now that I have the foundation for him I can scale him correctly and add some more detail in the future. 2009 is turning out to be pretty damn awesome if I may say so myself!
Vending Machine 2
Had another vending machine incident last week…
Above: Mars Bar resisting deployment
Luckily my home-gal Lauren got my back. She kicked that vending machines ass and saved the day
The Adventures of Troggles the Hamster Dragon Episode 1 – Cheesecake Dilema
Once upon a time there lived a hamster dragon, deep in the Valley of Cheese. He was a friendly little fellow, no more than 12 inches tall. His name was Troggles.
He was very small, but had the wing-mass of a jumbo jet!
One day, he was troddling down Ol Cheesecake Road, taking regular chomps along the way of course, when he stumbled across a cheesecake tower shaped like a penis, at least a million foot tall in the air.
“My gosh” Troggles said to himself, “That is without a doubt the most tastiest looking penis I’ve ever encountered!”
“Help me! Help me!” he heard being shouted from above.
He looked up, only to find a princess had been stranded there.
“Oh please help me charming hamster dragon! You’re the only one who can save me!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.
Troggles was in a pickle of a situation. He WANTED to help the charming princess, but he also wanted to eat all the cheese on Ol Cheesecake Road. So he devised a plan.
He decided to eat the cheesecake tower shaped like a penis. He knew it was a gay thing to do, but he also knew it was the RIGHT thing to do. Not only would he be eating some cheesecake (shaped like a penis), as he is prone to do (well, not the penis part), but he will also (hopefully) save the princess… maybe.
He started munching away. *om nom nom*
With every bite his belly grew larger and larger.
“What are you doing oh so incredibly handsome hamster dragon?”
“Why I’m eating you out of this sticky situation!” Troggles replied, giggling at what he just said.
The cheesecake tower began to wobble. Left. Right. Left. Right.
Soon, it began to topple like an old fat person… toppling.
With one final chomp, the cheesecake tower collapsed.
SPLASH!
SQUASH!!
There was cheese of every variety all over the place!
“Are you ok?” asked Troggles, checking the princess for wounds.
The princess wiped her face free from all the cheesecake.
“Yes, I’m fine. thank you oh so incredibly handsome hamster dragon” she replied, delicately stroking Troggles’ mustache.
“How long were you stuck up there?” asked Troggles, taking a bite of the delicious cheesecake goodness.
“Two years” she replied.
“TWO YEARS???!?!?” Troggles said in shock, “How did you survive that long?”
“I ate the cheesecake silly” she replied.
They both laughed, made love, and parted ways. Troggles continued on his journey down Ol Cheesecake Road, with the sun setting in the distance…
To be continued…
Vending Machines Suck Ass!
Ok, I’ll admit; I’m a fucking retard sometimes. Well, most times actually. Yesterday was one of those moments.
You see, by using a vending machine you’re actually signing a secret invisible agreement that says:
“I [the vending machine] will take your money and attempt to give you an item. But if I fail to dispense the item you requested, I’m keeping your money cos I’m a fucking cunt.”
It’s kind of like gambling. You put some money in, select an item, and hope to GOD your item actually comes out, and doesn’t start to come out and get stuck at the VERY FUCKING END OF THE SPIRAL THINGY!! That unfortunate scenario happened to me yesterday. They can be so unpredictable sometimes! Let me run you through the story:
It was a cold and wet Thursday evening, as usual in this stupid country. We (as in Me, Neil, Lauren and Conor) were about half way through a 5 hour marathon game after game of “switch” (the card game). I felt like I needed some chocolate to improve my strategy, so I chose the vending machine that was close by as my means of acquiring some milk and cocoa goodness.
I make my way to the vending machine, thinking about what I should get. When I got there, there wasn’t much of a choice. However, I did notice on the very bottom row there was a glorious shiny sparkle coming from the Galaxy Minstrels.
“Yum” I say to myself. “I’ll have some of those!”
I extract two 50c coins from my pocket, and proceed to put them into the machine, slowly. While doing so I start questioning myself about whether or not I made the right decision.
One coin goes in.
Now two..
I’m almost there.
I want those Minstrels so bad now! I’m excited. A little TOO excited! Shit, what’s the number for Minstrels!? F4! It’s F4!! I press F4, I know now I made the right decision. Here they come! The spiral mechanism spins ever so slowly. The Minstrels are almost at the end of the spiral.
The spiral stops spinning. I froze. I hear a noise. It was my change returning. I got 15c back. But I didn’t care for my change, all I could do was look at how helpless the Minstrels looked suspended on the tiny portion of the spiral thingy. My chocolate never vended. It couldn’t get out of the spiral thingy in time! I didn’t know what to do. I was really sad. I wanted my Minstrels! Instead of getting Minstrels, I just got my hopes up! And it cost me 85c to get my fucking hopes up!!
Neil then comes walking by. I tell him about my predicament. I figure if I put in another 85c, and vend F4 again, I should get two packets of Minstrels. I was willing to do that, because I’d still get my moneys worth in the end. Neil offered to buy the extra pack of Minstrels off me if I successfully vend 2 packets.
The stakes are high for my wallet now. I decide to try vend F4 again. I really want Minstrels! I put a 2 euro coin in, and press F6. Shit! SHIT! NO!!!!! F6 is an empty slot!! Nothing occupied by it at all! As I watch the spirals spinning, and vending nothing, I can’t help but overhear Neil laughing his ass off. I feel like such an idiot. I am such a fucking idiot! But now my stupidity is a lot more public. Neil then saves the day by putting in 85c and vending F4 (Not F6)! Not one, but two packets of Minstrels get dispensed.
YES! Finally the Minstrels were almost in the grasp of my hand! I can almost taste them.
“You were worth the 1.70 I paid for you in the end!” I whisper to my chocolate.
